Fatherhood is improv. Ministry fatherhood? That’s improv on stage, with the lights on, the mic live, and the whole church watching. We’re all trying to do a bit better than our own dads — or a lot better, depending on the story — but when your day job is pastoring, your kids end up on the ride too. In order to get better, I’ve been listening to How Other Dads Dad, Hamish Blake’s podcast where he tries to learn from other dads how to be a good dad. It’s insightful and often hilarious. And while most dads talk about being a dad, ministry dads rarely talk about how to dad as a verb — how to love, protect, and raise kids in the middle of sermon prep, pastoral crises, and church planting chaos. That’s where the pressure kicks in, and where the lessons are forged.

Let’s be honest. Every ministry dad I know has some level of anxiety that the job will turn their kids into “fruity ministry kids.” You know the types — the angsty kid who hates Christianity because “it stole my dad,” or the weird one who only speaks fluent King James. Sure, some of those fears are a little overblown. But some are painfully real.

A bit of background on me: I’ve got three kids, now aged 22 to 15. We’ve moved a few times and served in different ministry contexts — campus ministry, church planting, and team-based church work. My wife and I have always agreed we’d stay in ministry roles as long as we were useful — and when it was time to hand it on, we’d do so. But each role has had an influence on where we live and some sort of direct influence on our kids.

Over the years, we’ve had lots of chats with our kids about what it’s been like growing up in a ministry family. Thankfully, they mostly describe it as positive (with only mild eye rolls). And recently I had a chat with my own dad — not a ministry dad — about what advice we’d give to other dads based on our experiences. So here are some of my reflections from those conversations as well as some of my own thoughts.:

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1. Your home is a sanctuary and a battleground

Often we see our homes as the sanctuary we can retreat to so we can re-energise.  But they are also the place that Satan would love to destroy. We therefore need to see our homes as both a place of rejuvenation, but also a place of spiritual division and battle. We need to be praying for our families and protection from the evil one. 

2. You’re Just the Fill-In Dad

My kids have a heavenly Father who loves them more than I ever could. He’s the one they ultimately need. That means I have to trust God with their lives — especially with their salvation. I can point them to Jesus, pray like crazy, and model grace and repentance. But I can’t make the relationship happen. That’s between them and God. And that’s both terrifying and freeing — especially as they get older.

3. Don’t Play the Comparison Game

I’m not like other dads, and my kids aren’t like other kids. But I still catch myself thinking, “Why can’t my kids be more ____?” (Fill in the blank: godly, respectful, outgoing, ‘normal’…). When I start playing that game, it’s a short trip to feeling like a failure. Instead, I need to stop and thank God for who they are — not who I wish they were. And I need to remember I’m only seeing other families’ highlight reels — not their behind-the-scenes mess.

4. Some Sacrifices Aren’t What You Think

When we planted a church, our two oldest were the only kids in the kids’ program — for five years. At the time, I wondered what long-term impact not having spiritual peers might have. Were they missing out? Would they grow up resenting the sacrifice?

Turns out… they loved it. They remember those years with joy, and appreciated being known, invested in, and part of something real. Ironically, they preferred that experience to being in a large, well-oiled church machine. Sometimes we think that we are asking our kids to make sacrifices when what we really are doing is asking them to live God’s way.

5. Make Sure Your Kids Know Where They Stand with You

It’s important that your kids know where they stand in your priorities. There was a guy who was the minister of the church. He had to choose between attending an event with a mission partner or going to his daughter’s netball final. His wife asked what they should do. 

My advice was about playing the long game. In five years time, no one will remember he was at the mission event. In fact the mission partners knew what they were doing and didn’t need him there at all.  But his daughter will always remember the fact that he turned up to the final.

That being said, there are times that we need to be there for church and that will mean at the cost of time with our kids. I think we need to be upfront with that, without going into details, something like: “hey, there is another family who needs me right now, but I will be back and then we can hang out together”.

6. They get an interesting life

Because of the ministry lifestyle, their lives are different. My kids’ observation is that  they didn’t have as much money as their friends when they were growing up. On the other hand they did notice that we as parents work much harder on our marriage and we had a better family life than a lot of their friends. In fact most of their friends’ parents were divorced. They also got to meet a lot of interesting people. My kids have met two Governor Generals and an ex Prime Minister and people from all over the country because of my job.

7. It’s important for them to know other MKs

Although we didn’t really plan it, our kids actually got to know other kids who were Ministry kids (MKs). They all formed a really interesting bond of having to go through similar paths of their life and they could encourage each other, talk to each other. It was really interesting the way that they did and still do support each other.

8. Their salvation, like everyone else’s, is with God

You can be the most faithful parent in the world and do everything as best you can, but whether your kids keep walking with the Lord is ultimately between them and God. Right now, all my kids are following him—a gift I don’t take for granted. But there have been some shaky moments and I spent a lot of time replaying all the moments I failed and wonder which one pushed them away. Yet the truth is, even with all our shortcomings as parents, their salvation rests securely in God’s hands.

Conclusion

Being a ministry dad is different to just being a dad. Your job affects the family in a way that being, say an engineer, doesn’t. If they know they are loved by us, and even more so by their heavenly Father, then we’ve done the work God’s given us to do. The rest is in his hands — and that’s both terrifying and wonderfully freeing.